Tips for Hosting Hard Conversations at the Dinner Table
There’s nothing sweeter than gathering with friends or family to share a meal. But even though some of our best memories probably center around dinner table conversations, there’s no denying that hard conversations can be sparked here, too. Differing viewpoints seem to be at an all-time high, and polarization can prevent us from discussing important but difficult things in a meaningful, sincere way.
Before diving into a controversial headline or point of deep disagreement, we need to check the pulse in the room. In order to talk about the hard topics that shape our experience of the world, we first need to make sure that our needs for community and connection are met — and the reason why runs deeper than you think.
When we feel isolated or disconnected from one another, we struggle to navigate challenging topics with grace. In fact, recent research has shown that when we are lonely, our brains are not capable of engaging with ideas or experiences that are different from our own. On the other hand, when our basic needs for food and community are met together around the table over a delicious meal, we are more open to topics we otherwise would want to avoid. The table gives us confidence to wade into tricky territory, and it reminds us that we are committed to caring for one another's needs instead of only trying to shift each other’s opinions.
Best of all, the stories we tell around the table remind us of our love for one another too. They remind us that even when we disagree about important topics, we still share a necessary bond.
“This all sounds great,” you may be thinking,” but how do I accomplish this at my own sometimes-contentious table?” If you’re hosting the gathering or meal, pay attention to your own state of being leading up to the big day. Do you feel fearful and anxious or cautiously optimistic? Are you holding tension in your body? Pay attention to your body and listen to what it tells you. Regulating your own self offers the chance for others to do the same.
It’s also helpful to reflect on happy memories with the invited guests. Consider the last time you all laughed until you cried, think about a heartwarming holiday tradition, or take yourself back to the most delicious meal you all shared. Invoke your five senses as you reflect. How did the food smell or taste? What do you see when you close your eyes and think about the day? Whose laugh do you hear?
These two simple practices can help you sit down at the table already feeling grounded and connected. If you’d like to invite others to join you, consider sending out a pre-gathering covenant, asking each guest to abide by three simple practices:
We commit to holding fast to our love and respect for one another, even when we disagree. We won’t brush tension under the table, but we will seek to understand viewpoints different to our own.
We create space to talk about the topics that are important to us. Because we love each other, we want to understand the questions, concerns, and experiences that shape each of us in different ways. In humility, we all remain open to hearing from each other.
We change the topic when tensions rise too high. We cannot talk only about hard things, especially without moments of joy to remind us of the delight we find together too. If things get heated, we commit to stepping away, changing the topic, or finding a distraction that makes us laugh instead.
Whether or not you decide to send that covenant to your guests, come to the table with a game plan. Prepare a list of questions meant to delight, distract, and prompt pleasant discussions! You can come up with your own or choose a few from this curated list.
